Thursday, June 22, 2006

My dirty little secret...

Okay y'all, I'm about to share something that most writers never want to say happens, much less admits to.

Jealousy.

Or in writers terms, creative jealousy. :( It sucks and I have to say I get pretty ashamed of myself when I feel that twinge of the big green monster. Sigh... I debated with myself all morning whether or not to write this, but decided rather than keep distancing myself from this subject and pretending I don't suffer it, I'd admit to it and hopefully find that with time that beast will lessen its grip on me.

You see, it's not that I'm this monster who hates to hear about anyone doing well. No, that's not it at all. It's more the feeling that you see everyone around you doing so well and you still feel like your treading mud. It's a vain uphill battle because when you stop to look at things you see "jeez, I haven't even begun to climb that hill."

I think the problem, and why most writers don't want to admit to it is because they're afraid of someone telling them how selfish they are, how they can't see all the wonderful things happening around them, and that "man, if I was in your position I wouldn't be whining anymore."

There you go, we don't want to come off as whiners. I'm happy. I'm advancing in my career. It's mostly a slow, painful crawl to the finish line, but I am making progress. In almost 5 years time I'm finally seeing one of my books go to print and wind up in bookstore shelves. I have a wonderful agent. I've been blessed not to have to even entertain the possibility of having to fire her to look for another. I can say in all honesty it's not Jessica's fault my book hasn't sold. My ideas just aren't meshing with NY obviously. While that sucks for me as a writer, I understand it. The flaw is not with my agent. The flaw is that I've written something not really seen in the market yet. A hybrid gothic-fantasy-urban-paranormal ms. No one knows how to market it..makes my options limited.

Now before you all think I'm begging for a pat on the back and a (((hug))), just know that I'm not. It's just that I recognize this ugliness inside of me. If I'm thinking rationally I can see I'm really going places. Maybe not as fast as I would have liked, maybe my books will never be sold to the highest bidder, but I can see where I am definitely making progress, but its my emotions that usually wind up getting the best of me.

I won't mention anyone in specific, but you always hear of these cases where people nab an agent and sell to Berkley for a 4 book deal right off the bat. When things like that happen to someone else and not to you, I know my first reaction is...well jeez, what do they have that I don't? What am I doing wrong? Does my writing stink that bad?

Then the hurt starts to slide in. You're happy for them, but it's almost painful to hear about that new sale, that 7 book deal, see that beautiful glossy cover. I think I've finally figured out that all these feelings stem from an insecurity on my part. A feeling of inadequacy and thinking, if they got sold that fast and I haven't, then I have no chance in hell of ever getting there and that's when your thoughts inevitably turn toward "maybe I should just stop. writing is fun, but the rat race isn't. I'm tired of this whiny me that always drives everyone crazy by constantly yapping on and on about feeling awful, terrible, I'll never cut the mustard, etc.."

So right here and now I'm going to brave, I'm gonna stand up to all of you and say: Hi my name is Vivienne and that's my dirty little secret.

But you want to hear something really cool, talking about is freeing. Admitting there's a problem is the first step right? I've got a monkey on my back, I recognize that, but I also know that I'm willing to do anything to shake it off.

Anyway this was just an observation. I'm not feeling this way about anyone in particular at the moment, but it is something I've always wanted to talk about. And to tell people, it's okay to feel like this. It really is. It's what makes us human, and as long as we don't become cruel or malacious about it to the person who's doing well, well then there's hope for us yet. *vbg*

So now I'm waiting here expecting the rotten tomatoes to be flung.

Just to remind everyone 4 more days until my contest for the Fire and Ice themed gift set to end. :D

Much love,
~~Viv K.

Posted by Vivienne King :: 12:11 PM :: 11 Comments:

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